I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING.

Life in 2018 has not been the easiest for me. I've cried, I've had massive anxiety attacks, I've separated myself from the people that I love - yet, I couldn't bring myself to break out of that harmful cycle. Because I felt deep within me that I didn't want to burden anyone with all the heartbreak and suffering I was putting myself into.

I have always been independent and the concept of relying on someone else for anything was foreign and just plain wrong for me to ever really grasp. Until, I met that one person who I just wanted to rely on because to me, they were that strength that I felt that I needed. About 3 weeks ago, I went through my very first real heartbreak. I never thought it would happen and I can promise you, I told everyone in my life that this guy was going to be the one I married in the next 4-5 years. It hurt, I'm not going to lie. It really fucking hurt. I cried myself to sleep for a week, acted a fool by reaching out, hoping that maybe it was just a mistake. But it wasn't and I hate that I let someone who was selfish for most of our relationship become the reason I acted like that.

I don't want to make this post super sappy (like I did before - I did edit this post, sorry!) but I did want to share with all of you some of the things that I have been going through. It's been a tough year, I'm not gonna lie. I found out my dad had cancer earlier in the year, my boyfriend broke up with me right after our anniversary and to top it all off, I had to put down one of my dogs that I had since his birth. So no, I'm not going to say that time heals all wounds and that "It'll get better, you'll see!" because sometimes it doesn't. And that's okay - time won't make you forget or heal all the pain you've been through, but it will help you cope with whatever you needed to overcome.

I have gone through some of the worst anxiety attacks that I've ever gone through, just this year alone. So yeah, I've been going through some tough shit, but does that mean I want to give up on life? Hell no. I have become so strong and more confident after the hell I've been through this year. I'm relearning myself and I think that's the greatest thing I could have ever done for my sanity. I thought I had it all and I thought I was exactly where I needed to be, but I wasn't. And the best thing about this period in my life right now, is that I get to go on an adventure with myself - figuring out the things I like and don't like, what I'm looking for in a future partner, the people I want to keep along for this crazy ride we call life, and so many other beautiful things I never thought I needed to know.

The quote above written by Beau Taplin is somewhat of an anthem I have carried within myself for a really long time. And I guess you could say it's an ode to my ex-boyfriend, because he broke my heart and left me shattered with so many questions as to why our demise happened (sense the pettiness I'm exuding here?) BUT it also reflects everything I want out of life. I want to be told the truth, I want to learn from the hurt whatever it may be because nothing makes you stronger than learning from your mistakes, no matter how painful they may be.

Life is a long obstacle course and I can't wait to see where it leads me, no matter how many times I have to fall to get there.