DEAR 2021

Usually, when people start a blog post about 2021, they are saying their goodbyes to the year and welcoming the new one. Today, I'm asking 2021 for a do-over.

I started out in 2021, really strong. New job, new "relationship", new mindset, new health (we'll get more into that), and new everything. Just like everyone else, I've been in quarantine since March 2020 and it was really hard to adjust myself to this new life of being stuck at home, no socializing, no friends, no routine and it got very, very difficult. I stopped caring about my appearance, I didn't take the time to reach out to friends to see how they were doing and I really let go of myself mentally and physically. It wasn't that I didn't try, I did. But like everyone else, I got into this weird mental block. Nothing seemed interesting, I hated that I couldn't hang out with my friends, and just the thought of stepping outside of my house brought on a shit ton of anxiety. So...I gave up. I stopped putting effort into healthy eating, I wasn't trying in my personal training sessions, I didn't even bother leaving my room most days and wound up laying in bed watching anime or Korean dramas until it was time to sleep and do it all over again. This was probably the point where I really gave up on myself. Nothing interested me and I was totally okay with it.

Fast forward to...August/September? Things started to look up, I was finally feeling less anxious and saw one of my best friends for the first time in months. That changed everything, I genuinely felt alive again and wanted to put effort into my life. We started hanging out more, went on hikes, and drove out to Pacifica to have mini photoshoots and for the first time in forever...it felt normal. It was so liberating, being able to spend time with my friend, outdoors, getting dressed up, and taking pictures (as silly as that sounds). This was the start of me getting out of my "funk" and opening up again.

As the months went by, I had found myself not unmotivated but very stagnant. Covid cases were going up so it was best to not go out as often, I didn't really mind but there wasn't anything exciting. Work was also starting to take its toll on me - I had a manager who I couldn't stand, felt so unfulfilled in my career, and wondered what my next step was going to be. The only salvation I had at this point was my birthday. My birthday month was the highlight of the ENTIRE year. I had never felt so loved in my entire life. Although I wasn't able to spend it the way I had envisioned, I wouldn't have traded it for anything else. My friends threw me picnics at the park and beach, I had gotten an AirBnB for a weekend in San Jose and I treated myself to a little something. Overall, October was amazing.

November hit and I truly felt the need to turn things around. I wasn't ready physically but I knew I had to get out of my workspace and I needed to value myself more in several ways. One of my friends had reached out to me regarding an opening in her team and I jumped at the chance. I went through this heavy interview process and took forever to update my resume, but thankfully, I got the job and I was so excited to start on a new journey. The next thing I needed to deal with was...love. Like the majority of people, I succumbed to being more active on dating apps. I've been a regular user for years but was hopeful quarantine would bring me someone. At this point, nothing was really sticking and I had begun to see it all as a game. Swipe, swipe, swipe. So, I decided, I'm going to delete ALL of them. Love wasn't meant for me right now but hopefully, one day after quarantine, I'll try again. And then, he showed up. Right before I decided to delete my apps, someone liked me on Hinge and he was kinda cute. Wasn't really my type and I had a lot of qualms about him but for some reason, something about him just made me want to say yes.

We talked and talked, and I had the most fun that I had ever had just texting and snapchatting back and forth with someone. I was falling REAL fast. Was it love? No, but I felt the most comfortable with him than I had ever with anyone in my life. Even my ex-boyfriend who I swore I was going to marry. We decided to keep things casual and I was totally okay with that, but sadly before we could make plans to meet up, the Bay Area went into lockdown again and we had to wait. I had a lot of doubts at this point, is this boy going to wait for me, does he find it worthwhile, what are we even doing? So many questions and luckily, he answered all of them. We had such open communication and I can't emphasize how much that mattered to me. He wiped away all my worries, my fears, my lack of trust from past relationships and here's where the health part comes in, I got Covid. I had gotten it from my family sometime in December and I was 100% sure this would be a dealbreaker to him. I mean why wouldn't it be, right? Yet with all of my doubt, he stuck by me. Even when I had felt like shit and was in literal pain, could not get up, could not eat, etc. He was always there to make me feel better and get me through some of the most challenging times of my life through a little iPhone screen. I didn't care that we were "casual," I wanted anything I could have with him.

2021 finally makes its appearance and not only was I starting my new job on January 4th, but I was meeting him for the first time on New Years Day. After 2 months of talking, I was finally going to meet this boy who stole my heart (sappy, but true I know). I felt like it was an instant connection and one of the best first dates I had been on. I couldn't wait to see him again and all I could think was, "Wow. I haven't dated in so long but I hope this goes on for as long as it can." But things didn't turn out the way I had wanted or planned. We ended up ending things right after Valentine's Day and as you can tell from this post, it's been almost 2 months. What happened? I don't know, I truly don't. One day, I felt like I was wanted and cared for and the next it just felt like we were drifting apart. I had seen the signs 2 weeks prior but was truly floored when VDay came around and there was no mention of it. Granted, we weren't in a relationship and he could've had other options but I had thought I was special enough to warrant something. Instead, I got barely-there messages and more and more it solidified my decision to cut him loose. And so, I did.

And that brings us to now, where I am currently sitting against my bed at 2:30 am writing this blog post. I have a bad habit of letting love/relationships affect how I feel and act afterward. I am very aware but I'm now ready to take my life back. Although it'll be a slow and steady process, it's better than moping around and wondering why things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I've known this for a while now but I guess I needed another bad dating run to really show me that words are just words. Anyone can promise to be better than your last relationship, to give you the love and attention you deserve, be your best friend and lover but words don't mean anything if there's no action behind it. I have fallen for the same thing, so many times, you'd think I was an expert at swerving these types by now. But I've never regretted a single one, each of these experiences has led me to understand what and who it is I'm looking for in a life partner but also what I need/want for myself. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I definitely have a habit of pushing my desires and wants onto the people I date in hopes they'll choose me and see me as their best option but that's not always the case. The lesson here is - don't fall for sweet words, fall for sweet, consistent actions but also, listen to your heart. I have bad instincts for many things but when it comes to someone losing interest in me, I'm never wrong. Also, if someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll do everything they can to make a spot and stay there; whether it's love or friendships, an effort is needed from both sides, not just the one and that is something I plan on taking with me for the long run.

Starting today, I hope to become a better me, put more action into my words, and hopefully, the things that are meant for me will eventually find their way into my life. Goodnight everyone. :)